How to Ask for What You Need
We all have needs. Even you. Yes, you. Yes, me.
It’s part of being alive and human. We often hope our partners, friends, or family will somehow notice a particular need and meet it without being asked. We think, “This should be obvious. They should just know. How could they not know?!” Unfortunately, that is not a realistic expectation and sometimes (most times) we need to ask for our needs to be met - with actual words out our actual lips. So how does one do that? Below are some simple steps to help you ask for what you need.
Admit you have needs. This seems to go without saying, but so many of us function like we don’t actually have needs. There’s a popular meme that pictures a dog in a fiery room saying, “Everything is fine” when it clearly is not at all fine. We think, “I’ll just take care of it” or “I don’t want to put anyone out” or “I don’t want to be a burden.” (Oh yes the “b” word - BURDEN.) While need is a four-letter word, it’s not that kind of four-letter word. It’s okay to have needs. It means you’re actually human.
Admit you can’t meet the need yourself. In the West we’re a very self-sufficient society. We believe we can handle stuff on our own. However, that simply isn’t how we were designed to function. We were designed for community – which means we need other people. If I’m having a horrible day I need one of my friends to tell me it’s going to be okay and remind me that I’m deeply loved. Sometimes I need practical help, like someone to offer to watch my kid while I run an errand or help me fix something that broke. Admitting I need help allows people to step into my areas of need and meet them. And when others admit they need help I get to step in and meet needs for them.
State exactly what you need to those in your life that can help you meet it. This is especially true for close relationships and intimate relationships. No one is psychic (see above, and if you are may I please get the winning lottery numbers?). If I don’t say, “Hey I need…” then people don’t know. “Vaguebooking” (posting a vague status on Facebook or other social media platform) won’t get your needs met. I’ll never forget when one of my friends said to me, “You are keeping me from loving you when you don’t tell me what you need. I want to help you because I care about you and I’m angry because you won’t let me.” That was a game changer for me.
Be flexible and gracious in how your need is met. If you need someone to help with the kids and they say, “Sure! But can you bring them to my house?” you may need to be okay with taking them there versus the person coming to your house (this, of course, has limits – this assumes they’re a good friend who is in a safe environment). Of course there will be some non-negotiables when a need is specific, but there are a variety of ways people can help us meet our needs.
Allowing others in to help and support us leads to wonderful relationships. It enhances the relationships we already have. It allows us to be less stressed, more at peace, and we – in turn – can help meet the needs of others around us, too. And - hold on to your hat - it also helps us heal. Healing always happens most in community.
Action Step
Who is your community? Who knows you? Write down who your tribe is. If you realize you don’t have a tribe, journal about how you might build relationships.
