Stop Setting Yourself on Fire: How to end people pleasing
People-pleasing is an exhausting trap—one that often leads to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-identity. Many trauma survivors find themselves caught in this cycle, constantly prioritizing others while neglecting their own needs. But the truth is: you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
What is Burnout?
Burnout is more than just feeling tired—it’s a state of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and decreased effectiveness. If you’ve ever felt like you’re functioning on autopilot, disconnected from yourself, or struggling to accomplish even simple tasks despite working non-stop, you may be experiencing burnout.
Common signs of burnout include:
Chronic fatigue and trouble sleeping (either too much or too little)
Increased anxiety, irritability, or emotional numbness
Physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, or high blood pressure
Feeling detached from your work, relationships, or personal interests
A sense of hopelessness or lack of motivation
Why Do We People-Please?
For many, people-pleasing is deeply rooted in trauma, upbringing, and societal expectations. Survivors of abuse often learn that saying “no” is dangerous, and they may continue this pattern even in safe environments. Additionally, many of us are conditioned to believe our worth is tied to how much we do for others.
Common beliefs that fuel people-pleasing:
“If I say no, they won’t love me.”
“I have to be helpful to be valuable.”
“It’s selfish to put my needs first.”
“Keeping others happy is my responsibility.”
The Cost of People-Pleasing
When we continuously prioritize others at our own expense, we risk serious emotional and physical consequences. Burnout doesn’t just affect productivity—it damages relationships, erodes self-esteem, and impacts mental and physical health.
But here’s the reality: healthy people and relationships will respect your boundaries. If someone gets angry when you say “no,” that’s a reflection of them, not you.
How to Break the Cycle: Setting Boundaries & Preventing Burnout
1. Recognize When You’re Overextending Yourself
Start by paying attention to your energy levels and emotions. If you feel resentment creeping in or exhaustion taking over, it’s a sign you’ve been saying “yes” too much.
2. Stop, Drop, and Reflect
Before automatically agreeing to something, pause and assess:
Does this align with my priorities and capacity?
Am I saying yes out of obligation or fear?
Will saying yes harm my well-being in any way?
3. Learn to Say No (Without Guilt)
“No” is a complete sentence, and you don’t have to justify it. If saying no feels hard, try these variations:
“I appreciate the ask, but I can’t commit to that.”
“I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.”
“Let me think about it and get back to you.” (This buys time to assess whether it’s a true yes.)
4. Create a “Yes, No, Maybe” List
Each year (or seasonally), create a list of:
Yes – Priorities you will focus on
No – Things you will no longer accept
Maybe – Things you’ll consider if they align with your energy and time
5. Prioritize Rest and Self-Care
Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Whether it’s hiking, journaling, praying, or engaging in hobbies, prioritize activities that restore you. Rest doesn’t mean laziness; it means stewarding your energy well.
6. Get Comfortable with Discomfort
It’s okay if saying no makes you (or others) uncomfortable. Over time, it gets easier. Healthy relationships will adjust, and those who only valued you for what you did for them? They were never really in your corner.
You Are Enough—No Strings Attached
You don’t have to earn love or worth through relentless giving. You are valuable just as you are. If you’ve been stuck in people-pleasing mode, let today be the day you take a step toward change. One small shift—one empowered no—can set the foundation for a healthier, more balanced life.
What’s one thing you can say “no” to today to reclaim your energy? Let me know in the comments!
Go listen the Hey Tabi episode here!
