Understanding Sexual Coercion in Abusive Relationships: Why Saying No Can Be an Act of Self-Care
Sexual intimacy should be a mutually fulfilling and respectful experience between partners. However, in abusive and coercive relationships, sex is often weaponized as a tool for power and control. This week's episode of Hey Tabi dives into a critical and often misunderstood topic: why withholding sex in an abusive relationship is not manipulation but rather a protective and self-preserving act.
The Myth That Women Don't Like Sex
A common misconception is that women are naturally disinterested in sex. This belief is not only inaccurate but also harmful. Many women enjoy sexual intimacy when it occurs in a safe, honoring, and mutually respectful context. However, when a woman withholds sex in a destructive marriage, there is often a significant reason behind it—one that extends beyond mere disinterest or punishment.
The Power and Control Dynamic in Abusive Relationships
In abusive relationships, sex frequently becomes another avenue through which an abuser exerts control. This can manifest in various ways, including:
Coercion and manipulation into unwanted sexual acts
The expectation that sex is owed, rather than mutually desired
Physical and emotional threats related to withholding sex
Using intimacy as a form of domination rather than connection
Victims of coercive control often experience deep distress, as their bodily autonomy is disregarded in ways that mirror other abusive behaviors in their relationship.
Why Saying No is an Act of Self-Care
Refusing intimacy in a harmful relationship is a crucial boundary-setting practice. It sends a clear message that an individual’s body is not a tool for control but belongs to them. Here’s why saying no can be essential:
Protects Physical and Emotional Health – Sexual coercion deepens trauma and can leave lasting scars, both physically and emotionally.
Disrupts the Power Dynamic – Setting boundaries forces the abuser to confront their behavior, whether they choose to change or not.
Affirms Self-Worth – Survivors reclaim autonomy over their own bodies and reinforce their dignity as individuals made in the image of God.
The Role of the Church and Community
Unfortunately, many Christian women are wrongly taught that withholding sex is sinful, even in the context of abuse. However, true biblical intimacy is built on love, mutuality, and consent—not obligation or fear. If you’re a pastor, therapist, or support person, it’s essential to ask the right questions and avoid perpetuating harmful myths that can further entrap victims.
Resources for Survivors
If this conversation resonates with you, know that help is available. Organizations like Called to Peace provide support and advocacy for victims of domestic abuse. Additionally, The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire is an excellent resource for those wanting to understand healthy biblical sexuality and dismantle damaging cultural narratives.
Final Encouragement
If you are in a relationship where sex has been used as a tool of control, you are not sinful or wrong for setting boundaries. Your body is yours, and you are worthy of love that respects, cherishes, and honors you. Healing is possible, and you do not have to walk this journey alone.
For more insights on this topic and other critical discussions on mental health and faith, tune in to the Hey Tabi podcast. If you found this helpful, please share it with someone who may need it. Let’s break the silence and create a culture where survivors are supported, heard, and empowered.
Listen to this Hey Tabi episode here!
